starving;

I'll always remember when I was talking to Jd in April of grade 11. He was telling me about his new passion for the word. He said, "Deanna, I've been starving myself for so long, but now, I have my daily bread!" That hit me like a bag of bricks. It was an immediate wake up call for how starving I really was. 

After that, God placed a desperate need inside of my for the word, I couldn't get enough of it. 

The next year and a half of my life was just spent getting as much of God as possible, never being satisfied with where I was, always pushing forward, always learning. 

Since being at Redeemer I feel like that part of me just died. I got so overwhelmed with friends, schoolwork, and fun that God completely took the back burner and I became what I always hated, Sunday Christians. I figured that I was at a Christian University so I would be fine, that there was nothing here steering me in the wrong direction. But I was so wrong. 

This year I became a stone, closed off to God, to my friends, and to myself. Never admitting feelings, never showing them, never crying, just a stone. There were always spurts of God, at church in the box or at Avalanche and Blizzard, or at Wednesday worship. But I never took it anywhere, and it became more and more of a show then pure worship.

For so long I just felt like I couldn't move forward, I felt guilty and too ashamed to go to the father. And got really good at faking smiles. 

Isn't God's timing amazing though? At Freshwind this year God really spoke to me about my faith, and how small it really is. There is no way I could move a mountain. He spoke to me through Paul so much for the past few weeks, some of the things he's said to me has completely rocked my world. And having weekly Bible study with Hannah has been so encouraging. But it feels like I'm only good at being a Christian in a group. 

God wants to do something huge at Redeemer, he started something this year and I just know that it's going to take off next year. I know that the reason I am at Redeemer is revival. I just haven't been playing my part. At Freshwind, Bobby Conner prophesied that a healing revival is going to start in Hamilton. So yes Lord! Let it come!

This summer needs to be a makeover, not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally, and my thought process needs to be completely turned around. I see why God didn't want me at Kwasind, it's not because of money at all, it's because he needs time to get me ready. That's why I'm working at Redeemer this summer. So I can get ready for what is to come. I need to get into the word, I need to study, pray, worship, soak, prophesy. We need to get ready, because Jesus is coming!